Silly Point Episode 4: In Conversation with ESPNCricinfo and ESPNSoccernet Correspondent Firdose Moonda

Posted: September 25, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Podcast, Silly Point
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In a this episode, The CouchExpert’s Goutham Chakravarthi talks to ESPNCricinfo’s South Africa correspondent and ESPNSoccernet’s correspondent Firdose Moonda.

Firdose discusses a variety of different things from CLT20, the road ahead for South Africa under Gary Kirsten and Allan Donald to South Africa challenging England to the top spot in Test cricket. Also in discussion is the chokers tag and how South Africa should deal with.

She also discusses her time in the Indian subcontinent covering the world cup to discussing her experience in covering Bangladesh and Pakistan’s tour of Zimbabwe. She also shares her thoughts on Uganda being the next emerging cricket power in Africa.

All this and more, listen to the podcast below:

Introduction Music: Composer and singer – Rakesh Salian

Guest: Firdose Moonda

Host: Goutham Chakravarthi

Shoaib Akhtar talks to W. G. Grace on the launch of his autobiography Controversially Yours

Posted: September 25, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Fiction, Gracism
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W. G. Grace (@WGGrace2)  interviewed Shoaib Akhtar on the launch of his book, Controversially Yours. As two massive egos battle in a clash of words, all hell broke loose.

W. G. Grace: Shoaib, congratulations on your book.

S Akhtar: Thanks. People told me you are great. I bet I would have scared you too if you played in my time!

W. G. Grace: We’ll get to that. To start with, the obvious question, was Tendulkar scared of you?

S Akhtar: The whole of India was scared of me. I was big. I was quick. I was nasty. No wonder he was scared.

W. G. Grace: The others weren’t scared?

S Akhtar: Every one was. Every player past and present. Even my captains and countrymen were scared of me.

W. G. Grace: Past and present? Do you know there was a time when wickets were a foot high and two feet wide.

Akhtar's autobiography has stirred up quite a storm already.

S Akhtar: That’s why I am the best. Ambrose, Mc Grath would have been useless with the bounce. I would bowl yorkers and still bowl them!

W. G. Grace: There were bowlers before them too.

S Akhtar: I know dead man. I’m the best bowler there was. Since the beginning of the game in 1870s.

W. G. Grace: In 1727, the game was still being played. There were good bowlers back then too. The pitch was of 23 yards.

S Akhtar: Well, I would have bowled quick still. I would have bounced a lot of people.

W. G. Grace: They bowled under-arm.

S Akhtar: I would have bounced them bowling under arm as well.

W. G. Grace: There were no LBWs.

S Akhtar: That’s why I would hit them on the head, old man.

W. G. Grace: Owners could contest unmpires’ decisions.

S Akhtar: Thank goodness, there was no Shah Rukh Khan back then. He was a cheat, you know?

W. G. Grace: Cheating was allowed back then.

S Akhtar: Nice. So I didn’t have to say I had hyper extension of my elbow.

W. G. Grace: You would have found a way past the handkerchief law?

S Akhtar: He was Stuart Law’s ancestor?

W. G. Grace: No, you, ignorant student. Laws back then were called that. Like, “Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in, and the next man goes in until he’s out.”

S Akhtar: Well the law maker back then must have been scared of me too. I can’t make any sense of what he says.

W. G. Grace: None of us can make sense of what you say. Where did you get that accent?

S Akhtar: Rawalpindi. In its ‘Speak Englees Eeji’ tutorial.

W. G. Grace: How would you have bowled to the great batsmen of the under-arm bowling days?

S Akhtar: I would have yorked them at high speed with a massive run up.

W. G. Grace: High speed bowling under-arm?

S Akhtar: I would have swung it late.

W. G. Grace: Before the 16 century, they played with wooden balls. No seam, no leather, no shiny side and no lifting of the seam.

S Akhtar: Oh! I would have knocked their stumps over.

W. G. Grace: They didn’t have wickets like today. The stump was the stump of a tree.

S Akhtar: I would have uprooted the tree then.

W. G. Grace: With an axe?

S Akhtar: With the wooden ball.

W. G. Grace: This is before that time – in the 15th century where there were no standard wooden balls. Anything wooden and round, any size would do.

S Akhtar: I would have hit them with rocks.

W. G. Grace: I said wood. Before this, it was a French game, from where wicket originated, after a small gate. Bail originated from beil. The game was called Creag. in 1300 that evolved into criquet and later into creckette and then crickett before becoming cricket.

S Akhtar: I don’t care what it was called back then. All I know is, they were scared of me back then too.

W. G. Grace: You wouldn’t be born for another 700 years when they were playing. Why would they be scared of you?

S Akhtar: I meant my countrymen. I’m sure they were scared.

W. G. Grace: Your country wouldn’t be born for another 650 years.

S Akhtar: I meant someone from my region.

W. G. Grace: There would be no trace of cricket in your country for another 500 years.

S Akhtar: This is racism. We were denied a fair chance. You English denied us even back then.

W. G. Grace: English? We are talking about French now. Cricket wouldn’t hit the English shores for another 150 years. We’re in 13th century France now.

S Akhtar: Get those batsmen on twitter and let me flex my torso. I bet they’ll be scared.

W. G. Grace: You still have the skin infection there?

S Akhtar: Yes. Why?

W. G. Grace: Yes, you are right. All of us, past, present and future are scared of you.

W. G. Grace confesses to liking vada pav and idly with gatti chutney: Rajiv Shukla

Posted: September 21, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Fiction, Gracism
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It is learnt from close sources of the Indian management who are in constant touch with W. G. Grace through the social analytics product Say Grace that the doctor is against technology in cricket and his liking for Indian food. Here’s the transcript of the conversation between the doctor and BCCI’s Rajiv Shukla.

Rajiv Shukla claimed that W.G. Grace confessed to liking vada pav and idly with gatti chutney

Rajiv Shukla: Good morning, doctor. I have a favour to ask of you.

W. G. Grace: No fat boy. You can’t have my bread and jam. There’s hardly any bread and jam available in this cyber cocoon. Why don’t you send me some in an e-mail attachment?

Rajiv Shukla: No, doctor. Am not in need of your food. I need your advice on technology.

W. G. Grace: Technology? I hear London has cabs with horses pulling carts to King’s Cross in quick time. So what?

Rajiv Shukla: I meant DRS, Hawk Eye, Hot Spot and D/L methods.

W. G. Grace: What the hell are these? If anything, I have a soft spot for my patient Rosie.

Rajiv Shukla: Ye kya bakwaas software hai yaar? Someone fix this quickly please.

The conversation resumes after a successful upgrade to Say Grace.

Rajiv Shukla: Doctor, your take on technology please?

W. G. Grace: Yeh sab bakwaas hai. Go back to umpires.

Rajiv Shukla: Doctor…. aap aur Hindi? Kaise?

W. G. Grace: Bollywood mere dost.

Rajiv Shukla: Can I quote you on the technology, doctor? I see that your MCC friends might take it badly.

W. G. Grace: Also tell them that I now like vada pav.

Rajiv Shukla: Isn’t sliced bread the greatest invention of mankind?

W. G. Grace: No. Tendulkar is. And what he likes eating must be the greatest invention.

Rajiv Shukla: Doctor?

W. G. Grace: Fat boy, make sure you quote me on this. Else, Pawar saab won’t pay me.

Rajiv Shukla: Kamaal hai yaar. Money influences a software’s reasoning too! Achcha, doctor, how about D/L method? Your take?

W. G. Grace: Send them to IIT Madras. Ask them to taste idly and vada and learn mathematics from Ms. Maya, an alumni, and wife of ACP Anbuchelvan.

Rajiv Shukla: Lagta hai, N Srinivasan ka kaam hai. Ab saala Tamil bhi bolne laga. Doctor, your final verdict on D/L method? You think it is fair?

W. G. Grace: Idly with sambaar and gatti chutney is fair. D/L method is nonsense. Tell the MCC folks to find a solution for shortened games in idly, sambaar, gatti chutney and vengaaya chutney. I’m sure the answer is somewhere there.

Rajiv Shulka: Doctor, what do you suggest I tell the press? I’m confused.

W. G. Grace: Tell them that you are on a diet in an effort to improve the image of Indian cricket. Slim down fat boy!

In his press release, Rajiv Shukla eventually said, “In my conversation with W. G. Grace, I learnt that the doctor is not convinced about technology in cricket and has urged MCC to amend cricket laws to abolish technology from the game. We are also pleased to let you know that the doctor has taken a fancy to Hindi and Tamil. He is bound to tweet in Tamil and Hindi soon.”

When contacted on the twitter feed, the doctor denied having had a conversation with Rajiv Shulka at all. The doctor tweeted:

Rajiv Shukla? No. Never heard of him. 

MCC in response to Rajiv Shukla said, “It is quite remarkable that BCCI and India should talk against technology when it is them who have created a virtual W. G. Grace. The virtual doctor, Say Grace, has denied having the conversation at all! I believe it is their technology that is malfunctioning and not ours! But we have requested Mr. Shukla to direct us to a restaurant that serves gatti chutney though!”

India appoints W. G. Grace as its batting coach

Posted: September 18, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Fiction, Gracism
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BCCI appoints W. G. Grace s its batting coach

In an unprecedented move, the BCCI has approached W. G. Grace to help their batsmen face quick bowling ahead of the Australian tour. BCCI has invested their funds to analyze the game from the doctor’s perspective. A team of 2000 professional social analysts have studied the life and times of W. G. Grace and have built a real time product that will tweet suggestions and observation from its twitter handle (@WGGrace2). To put matters beyond doubt, its first tweet was:

Dress properly to bat well. Learn to wear a waist belt. #battingtip #gracism 

The family historians in England have confirmed that the twitter handle indeed captures the essence of the doctor as they have known and have given their thumbs-up. It is learnt that senior Indian batsmen have been queuing up and are talking to the product the Indian board has decided to call Say Grace.

Raina was the first to test this out and he was given this advice by the doctor on how to face short bowling on fast, bouncy wickets:

You don’t have to drive on a bouncy wicket. So get drunk for you don’t have to drive. #battingtip #gracism

The doctor, who mastered all bowling that was first under-arm when he started playing to the more round-arm and now over-arm bowling is seemingly helping India land theories to counter Malinga’s round-arm bowling and Trevor Chappell’s under-arm bowling. It is learnt, among the first things he wanted as a change in the Indian outlook was indeed in their attire. He is learnt to have tweeted:

Dress properly to bat well. Learn to wear a waist belt. #battingtip #gracism

The doctor, it is learnt was having a long chat with Dravid in the art of honesty and has spent tonnes of web space and time in coaxing Dravid to build an ego. Dravid, it is learnt, will sport a larger ego than Kevin Pietersen when England return to India for the one-dayers. Dravid is expected to bat in all games in a suit celebrating his career in the one dayers and he is expected to do that when it is Kevin Pietersen’s turn to bat. He seems to have told KP, “the crowd is here to see me wave to them than to see you slog.”

The doctor, who is known to have had confidence wider than his girth, seems to have preached that he would have been better than all the current players today. Of improvisation that is the middle name of T20 cricket, he tweeted thus:

Can I play the Dilscoop? With a helmet on, I can reverse-head-butt quick bowlers for boundaries #gracism

And of Hot Spot and TV technology, he gave his standard answer:

What do I think of DRS? The giant screen in the ground is put in place to show me bat and not to contemplate whether I was out or not.

The doctor seems to have dismissed Gooch as a “sweeper good for the roads and not as a batting coach” which seems to have irked Andy Flower and Alastair Cook. The doctor also seems to have said, “Cook’s batting is so boring that it is boring the bones out of my colleagues in their coffins. He wouldn’t make the ladies team of my time.”

The doctor, who once famously blocked four successive deliveries that shot along the ground, reckoned he had a better game than the game has come to know in the 20th and 21st centuries and will provide virtual web training to India’s batsmen on facing round-arm and under-arm deliveries from his 19th century colleagues before the Australian tour. He summed up the modern day batting with this tweet:

Only modern batsmen can stoop so low. Just have a look at Morgan bat. #gracism

Series Review: When 100 overs a game proved impossible!

Posted: September 17, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Cricket, India in England 2011, Opinion, Series
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Srikrishnan Chandrasekharan

Indian team will be very much pleased with their performance over the last 3 weeks against England in the ODIs. Even though the series score tell us that England beat India 3-0, the psychological feeling of players reveal that the team India played much better cricket than England. The Indian team was fooled by ICC / ECB / BCCI in awarding the shorter format cricket through D/L method as 50 Overs One Day international Tournament. England captain won the toss for five consecutive games reveals that there is fair amount of good time / luck surrounds him and his team.

ICC cheated fans across the globe by completing a 50 over ODI series without a single match completing the quota of 50 overs by both the sides. This is ridiculous act by ICC and shame on them on not utilizing the basic technology available to them in framing the fixtures of the series. When there was a clear indication of weather issues before start of the ODI series ICC either would have called off ODI series or changed to a format of 35 over new International format for the 5 games scheduled for the tour. One should not measure the performance of Indian bowlers during this series as none of the match played the quota of 50 overs.

A series that will be remembered as much for the rains as anything else.

Injuries to several key players during the tour, the Indian team shown exemplary performance on their batting and improved show in the bowling with the resources at their disposal. The weakness of England bowlers was exposed during so called the ODI series. Except Swann, every other English bowler failed to make any impact against this young and inexperienced Indian lineup. Indian bowlers tried their best but it was really hard for them to bowl in English conditions where the match format changed after every rain interruption. India would have ended up with a more respectable series scoreline if any of the match been played the quota of 50 overs on both sides.

Parthiv making a comeback, Rahane on other hand making his debut, Rahul inclusion to the side after to ODI format and these 3 players formed the most critical batting position and made a reasonable contribution to the team in the series. On the other hand, Dhoni and Raina, short of runs in Tests, came back strongly and played some wonderful cricket. Jadeja played some good cricket when the team needed. India made a commendable total against tough bowling attack in English soil [274 (50) – 1st ODI, 187 (23) – 2nd ODI, 234 (50) – 3rd ODI, 280 (50) – 4th ODI, 304 (50) -5th ODI]. Once the top players are fit and make a comeback to the side, team India might easily score 300 to 350 against this English attack on Indian soil.

The team management and BCCI should look at the positives from the tour and build the stronger team for the future. The focus of BCCI should be picking right talent and framing a team that can play for next 5 to 8 years. Also BCCI should not make any hasty decision on players / captain / coach of the team based on one or two series failures. India needs to have backup players and use them effectively in the case of injuries to their main players. They need to be given fair chance to play in every series by resting the main players.

The team management should keep focus on these players and enhance their skills both in Test and shorter variants (Kohli, Raina, Rahane, Rohit, Manoj Tiwary, Jadeja, Ashwin, Praveen, Munaf, Varun, Parthiv, Ishant, RP Singh). In the recent series Indian pace bowling lacked line, length, mixing of deliveries and pace. Former fast bowlers should come forward and guide the young bowlers to scale up to the next level. Also, the batsmen should stay at the crease for longer duration and convert their scores in to bigger ones.

The truth of life was revealed during this series. The team which is World No. 1 on Test International and World Champion on ODI’s failed to win a single match on the tour with their class players who helped the team to win plenty of series for India at home and abroad. Before start of the series, fans, reporters and former players across the globe predicted that India will beat England on their home soil comprehensively. The reality is different of course and may there be enough steps taken to get the team back on track. And quickly.

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