The CouchExpert

It is learnt from close sources of the Indian management who are in constant touch with W. G. Grace through the social analytics product Say Grace that the doctor is against technology in cricket and his liking for Indian food. Here’s the transcript of the conversation between the doctor and BCCI’s Rajiv Shukla.

Rajiv Shukla: Good morning, doctor. I have a favour to ask of you.

W. G. Grace: No fat boy. You can’t have my bread and jam. There’s hardly any bread and jam available in this cyber cocoon. Why don’t you send me some in an e-mail attachment?

Rajiv Shukla: No, doctor. Am not in need of your food. I need your advice on technology.

W. G. Grace: Technology? I hear London has cabs with horses pulling carts to King’s Cross in quick time. So what?

Rajiv Shukla: I meant DRS, Hawk Eye, Hot Spot and D/L methods.

W. G. Grace: What the hell are these? If anything, I have a soft spot for my patient Rosie.

Rajiv Shukla: Ye kya bakwaas software hai yaar? Someone fix this quickly please.

The conversation resumes after a successful upgrade to Say Grace.

Rajiv Shukla: Doctor, your take on technology please?

W. G. Grace: Yeh sab bakwaas hai. Go back to umpires.

Rajiv Shukla: Doctor…. aap aur Hindi? Kaise?

W. G. Grace: Bollywood mere dost.

Rajiv Shukla: Can I quote you on the technology, doctor? I see that your MCC friends might take it badly.

W. G. Grace: Also tell them that I now like vada pav.

Rajiv Shukla: Isn’t sliced bread the greatest invention of mankind?

W. G. Grace: No. Tendulkar is. And what he likes eating must be the greatest invention.

Rajiv Shukla: Doctor?

W. G. Grace: Fat boy, make sure you quote me on this. Else, Pawar saab won’t pay me.

Rajiv Shukla: Kamaal hai yaar. Money influences a software’s reasoning too! Achcha, doctor, how about D/L method? Your take?

W. G. Grace: Send them to IIT Madras. Ask them to taste idly and vada and learn mathematics from Ms. Maya, an alumni, and wife of ACP Anbuchelvan.

Rajiv Shukla: Lagta hai, N Srinivasan ka kaam hai. Ab saala Tamil bhi bolne laga. Doctor, your final verdict on D/L method? You think it is fair?

W. G. Grace: Idly with sambaar and gatti chutney is fair. D/L method is nonsense. Tell the MCC folks to find a solution for shortened games in idly, sambaar, gatti chutney and vengaaya chutney. I’m sure the answer is somewhere there.

Rajiv Shulka: Doctor, what do you suggest I tell the press? I’m confused.

W. G. Grace: Tell them that you are on a diet in an effort to improve the image of Indian cricket. Slim down fat boy!

In his press release, Rajiv Shukla eventually said, “In my conversation with W. G. Grace, I learnt that the doctor is not convinced about technology in cricket and has urged MCC to amend cricket laws to abolish technology from the game. We are also pleased to let you know that the doctor has taken a fancy to Hindi and Tamil. He is bound to tweet in Tamil and Hindi soon.”

When contacted on the twitter feed, the doctor denied having had a conversation with Rajiv Shulka at all. The doctor tweeted:

Rajiv Shukla? No. Never heard of him. 

MCC in response to Rajiv Shukla said, “It is quite remarkable that BCCI and India should talk against technology when it is them who have created a virtual W. G. Grace. The virtual doctor, Say Grace, has denied having the conversation at all! I believe it is their technology that is malfunctioning and not ours! But we have requested Mr. Shukla to direct us to a restaurant that serves gatti chutney though!”