The CouchExpert

BCCI appoints W. G. Grace s its batting coach

In an unprecedented move, the BCCI has approached W. G. Grace to help their batsmen face quick bowling ahead of the Australian tour. BCCI has invested their funds to analyze the game from the doctor’s perspective. A team of 2000 professional social analysts have studied the life and times of W. G. Grace and have built a real time product that will tweet suggestions and observation from its twitter handle (@WGGrace2). To put matters beyond doubt, its first tweet was:

Dress properly to bat well. Learn to wear a waist belt. #battingtip #gracism 

The family historians in England have confirmed that the twitter handle indeed captures the essence of the doctor as they have known and have given their thumbs-up. It is learnt that senior Indian batsmen have been queuing up and are talking to the product the Indian board has decided to call Say Grace.

Raina was the first to test this out and he was given this advice by the doctor on how to face short bowling on fast, bouncy wickets:

You don’t have to drive on a bouncy wicket. So get drunk for you don’t have to drive. #battingtip #gracism

The doctor, who mastered all bowling that was first under-arm when he started playing to the more round-arm and now over-arm bowling is seemingly helping India land theories to counter Malinga’s round-arm bowling and Trevor Chappell’s under-arm bowling. It is learnt, among the first things he wanted as a change in the Indian outlook was indeed in their attire. He is learnt to have tweeted:

Dress properly to bat well. Learn to wear a waist belt. #battingtip #gracism

The doctor, it is learnt was having a long chat with Dravid in the art of honesty and has spent tonnes of web space and time in coaxing Dravid to build an ego. Dravid, it is learnt, will sport a larger ego than Kevin Pietersen when England return to India for the one-dayers. Dravid is expected to bat in all games in a suit celebrating his career in the one dayers and he is expected to do that when it is Kevin Pietersen’s turn to bat. He seems to have told KP, “the crowd is here to see me wave to them than to see you slog.”

The doctor, who is known to have had confidence wider than his girth, seems to have preached that he would have been better than all the current players today. Of improvisation that is the middle name of T20 cricket, he tweeted thus:

Can I play the Dilscoop? With a helmet on, I can reverse-head-butt quick bowlers for boundaries #gracism

And of Hot Spot and TV technology, he gave his standard answer:

What do I think of DRS? The giant screen in the ground is put in place to show me bat and not to contemplate whether I was out or not.

The doctor seems to have dismissed Gooch as a “sweeper good for the roads and not as a batting coach” which seems to have irked Andy Flower and Alastair Cook. The doctor also seems to have said, “Cook’s batting is so boring that it is boring the bones out of my colleagues in their coffins. He wouldn’t make the ladies team of my time.”

The doctor, who once famously blocked four successive deliveries that shot along the ground, reckoned he had a better game than the game has come to know in the 20^th and 21^st centuries and will provide virtual web training to India’s batsmen on facing round-arm and under-arm deliveries from his 19^th century colleagues before the Australian tour. He summed up the modern day batting with this tweet:

Only modern batsmen can stoop so low. Just have a look at Morgan bat. #gracism