The CouchExpert

W. G. Grace (@WGGrace2)  interviewed Shoaib Akhtar on the launch of his book, Controversially Yours. As two massive egos battle in a clash of words, all hell broke loose.

W. G. Grace: Shoaib, congratulations on your book.

S Akhtar: Thanks. People told me you are great. I bet I would have scared you too if you played in my time!

W. G. Grace: We’ll get to that. To start with, the obvious question, was Tendulkar scared of you?

S Akhtar: The whole of India was scared of me. I was big. I was quick. I was nasty. No wonder he was scared.

W. G. Grace: The others weren’t scared?

S Akhtar: Every one was. Every player past and present. Even my captains and countrymen were scared of me.

W. G. Grace: Past and present? Do you know there was a time when wickets were a foot high and two feet wide.

S Akhtar: That’s why I am the best. Ambrose, Mc Grath would have been useless with the bounce. I would bowl yorkers and still bowl them!

W. G. Grace: There were bowlers before them too.

S Akhtar: I know dead man. I’m the best bowler there was. Since the beginning of the game in 1870s.

W. G. Grace: In 1727, the game was still being played. There were good bowlers back then too. The pitch was of 23 yards.

S Akhtar: Well, I would have bowled quick still. I would have bounced a lot of people.

W. G. Grace: They bowled under-arm.

S Akhtar: I would have bounced them bowling under arm as well.

W. G. Grace: There were no LBWs.

S Akhtar: That’s why I would hit them on the head, old man.

W. G. Grace: Owners could contest unmpires’ decisions.

S Akhtar: Thank goodness, there was no Shah Rukh Khan back then. He was a cheat, you know?

W. G. Grace: Cheating was allowed back then.

S Akhtar: Nice. So I didn’t have to say I had hyper extension of my elbow.

W. G. Grace: You would have found a way past the handkerchief law?

S Akhtar: He was Stuart Law’s ancestor?

W. G. Grace: No, you, ignorant student. Laws back then were called that. Like, “Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in, and the next man goes in until he’s out.”

S Akhtar: Well the law maker back then must have been scared of me too. I can’t make any sense of what he says.

W. G. Grace: None of us can make sense of what you say. Where did you get that accent?

S Akhtar: Rawalpindi. In its ‘Speak Englees Eeji’ tutorial.

W. G. Grace: How would you have bowled to the great batsmen of the under-arm bowling days?

S Akhtar: I would have yorked them at high speed with a massive run up.

W. G. Grace: High speed bowling under-arm?

S Akhtar: I would have swung it late.

W. G. Grace: Before the 16 century, they played with wooden balls. No seam, no leather, no shiny side and no lifting of the seam.

S Akhtar: Oh! I would have knocked their stumps over.

W. G. Grace: They didn’t have wickets like today. The stump was the stump of a tree.

S Akhtar: I would have uprooted the tree then.

W. G. Grace: With an axe?

S Akhtar: With the wooden ball.

W. G. Grace: This is before that time – in the 15th century where there were no standard wooden balls. Anything wooden and round, any size would do.

S Akhtar: I would have hit them with rocks.

W. G. Grace: I said wood. Before this, it was a French game, from where wicket originated, after a small gate. Bail originated from beil. The game was called Creag. in 1300 that evolved into criquet and later into creckette and then crickett before becoming cricket.

S Akhtar: I don’t care what it was called back then. All I know is, they were scared of me back then too.

W. G. Grace: You wouldn’t be born for another 700 years when they were playing. Why would they be scared of you?

S Akhtar: I meant my countrymen. I’m sure they were scared.

W. G. Grace: Your country wouldn’t be born for another 650 years.

S Akhtar: I meant someone from my region.

W. G. Grace: There would be no trace of cricket in your country for another 500 years.

S Akhtar: This is racism. We were denied a fair chance. You English denied us even back then.

W. G. Grace: English? We are talking about French now. Cricket wouldn’t hit the English shores for another 150 years. We’re in 13th century France now.

S Akhtar: Get those batsmen on twitter and let me flex my torso. I bet they’ll be scared.

W. G. Grace: You still have the skin infection there?

S Akhtar: Yes. Why?

W. G. Grace: Yes, you are right. All of us, past, present and future are scared of you.