Archive for the ‘Fiction’ Category

Warne Appointed As Rajasthan Royals’ Bus Driver

Posted: December 5, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Cricket, Fiction
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1

Goutham Chakravarthi

Just two days after Rajasthan Royals appointed Rahul Dravid as the captain for the fifth season of the IPL, Shilpa Shetty roped in Warne for a whopping $250,000 as the Royals’ bus driver.

In a press conference, Ms. Shetty said, “Warne, who has been integral to our successes over the first four seasons of the IPL was keen to be associated with the Royals for season 5, but not as a player. Of course he has famously quoted that cricket coaches are only bus drivers, but, let me make it clear that he will be just a bus driver and not a coach. That said, he is given full authority to do so as he likes whence the players are in the bus though.”

Shilpa Shetty announced Warne’s appointment as Royals’ official bus driver

When contacted, Warne said, “The role of a bus driver is highly underrated, especially in India. If anything they are crucial to any team’s mental state before a game. With me having driven the team bus during my playing days (in a race with Buchanan in New Zealand), I bring in a lot of experience. I can cut through signals and drive on the wrong side of the road which is key for success on the road and on the cricket ground.”

Asked how his bus driving was going to be different from the rest and why one should pay him a quarter million dollars when there could be more skillful drivers around and available at a fraction of the price he is contracted for, Warne said, “Sports psychologists insist that players should visualize success and practice it as part of their training program for them to be ready to be able to do so when they are really out in the middle. It becomes my responsibility to prepare them mentally and get them to that mental state before they get on to the ground. That’ll be high on my agenda when I’m driving them from the hotel to the ground.”

Warne gave insights into his methods further by comparing bus driving to sports psychologists and how this methods were better. He explained, “Visualization is not for all. It takes imagination and not all are blessed with it. Visualizing strategy and success are key for player preparation and on field performance. Quick bowlers need to stick to length and line or throw in those changers. I will get the bowlers to sit on the front row of the bus and give them a demonstration of driving the bus at 60kmph but then screech to a halt all of a sudden. Some will fall, others will be startled. But, it demonstrates how batsmen will be unprepared for such events and how change of pace can do the trick! Similarly for spinners, I might spin the bus at right angles to show how it is done or drive the bus through a very narrow lane at an angle to demonstrate how to sneak one through bat and pad!”

Warne also demonstrated how he intends to help the batsmen. He said, “Batting in T20 cricket is all about adventure and risk taking. It’s overs versus a certain number of runs. I intend to demonstrate how you drive 20 kms in peak Mumbai traffic in 10 minutes. You have to take that calculated risk. You jump a signal here or charge on the wrong side of the road when there is a traffic pile up. You take risks, but you know where you can jump signals and where you drive on the wrong side of the road. Sometimes you can honk your way out of trouble on Indian roads. You drive fast and keep honking, and because of the size of your vehicle the others make way out of sheer fear. It translates to intimidation on the cricket pitch.”

Warne insisted that his position had great accountability. He said, “I take accountability for my actions. Next time a commentator says one of our batsmen is shifting through the gears swiftly you know who was responsible for it. Similarly, when they say a batsman cannot find that extra gear, you can rest assured that the batsman concerned will spend enough time with me on the bus learning to go through the gears well.”

Warne signed off by saying, “I have already helped Rahul Dravid find the fifth gear. He might slip into that mode on the Boxing Day at the MCG and smash a triple hundred on the morning session alone. And then you’ll know what I’m talking about!”

BCCI Appoints Usain Bolt As India’s Running Coach

Posted: December 3, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Cricket, Fiction
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4

Goutham Chakravarthi

In an attempt to make India a fitter unit, BCCI has roped in the services of Usain Bolt as India’s running coach with immediate effect. Indians are expected to train with the world 100 meter record holder for a week in their quest to give them an added edge before they head to Australia for a 4-Test series. Talking of the appointment, K Srikkanth said, “Taking a leaf from Gavaskar’s famous commentary usage of converting ones into twos and twos to threes, Bolt will help team India convert each single into a three at least – and in some cases to a five or even a seven – and thereby helping our batsmen increase their scores three-fold!.”

Talking of his appointment, Bolt, who joined the team at Vishakapatnam, said, “The last day of the third Test at Wankhede had the whole island interested and I had a couple of friends wake me up at the dead of the night to catch the game when my phone rang. N Srinivasan was on the line and I told him the super slow motion pictures were outstanding and I congratulated the BCCI on the quality of their TV production when Srinivasan told me that it wasn’t super slow motion pictures I was seeing, but Ashwin running in full throttle!”

India train to sprint their way to success in Australia under the supervision of Usain Bolt

He added, “I couldn’t believe someone could actually sprint so slowly. When asked if I would help them fix the problem, I was skeptical. But when they dangled a 2 million dollar contract for a week’s training, I couldn’t resist. I asked Fletcher to send me tapes of their running training, and now I am here in India for a week to help them train.”

Of all Indians, Laxman and Ashwin seemed the most excited after their first training stint with Bolt this morning. Laxman said “I sprint the 100m in just a little under 44 seconds just behind Ashwin who does it in 41.43 seconds. Bolt has given us specific training routine that should ensure both Ashwin and I break the 40 second barrier by the end of the week. Finally, there is hope for us to look for the quick second run.”

Ashwin added, “He seemed to be able to point to the mistakes in my technique straight away. He could pin point to my technique that I seem to have followed from my childhood subconsciously – that of Rajnikanth running in slow motion in his high adrenaline fighting sequences. I am unlearning the technique and move towards the modern running method of complicated leg strengthening exercises that will give us enough power to our legs. Also the key is to ensure that the feet not being in contact with the ground for more than 0.2 seconds while in full sprint. Laxman and I, the smarties that we are, have already come-up with a formula that’ll help us get there. Expect us to run like the wind in Australia.”

Bolt is also introducing the sprint runners’ set block positioning for the non-striker while backing up. You will see the likes of Suresh Raina now crouched on one knee without the bat and both hands just behind the popping crease with his upper body in a 45 degree angle that the sprinters use to generate pace off the starting block. Bolt claims that Raina this way is able to run his twos in one-sixth of time he would take otherwise – in the traditional method. Bolt claims that this technique will ensure that there will not be many dot balls as it ensures players are quick enough to run a single even when the batsman lets go of a delivery to the keeper. He insisted that in places like Perth where the keeper tends to stand far back, Raina, Kohli and Dhoni would be able to run twos to the keeper and promised that we will see byes contributing more to team scores going forward. If the wicket-keeper is slightly slack, batsman might run a bye to him even off spinners!

Duncan Fletcher, the Indian coach said “Bolt’s insight into running and the transformation that is possible with his inputs is quite amazing. Even I have been able to move from one side of the ground to the other in less than 20 minutes now. Munaf Patel, Aashish Nehra now run quicker than they bowl. That was the easy part. We are now trying to translate this to field positions as well. The increased agility of the fielders will ensure that each fielder can now control two positions. Jadeja will now man both point and covers and Kohli mid-off and extra-cover, where as, Raina will cover the whole of the on-side and Dhoni alone now will cover for the keeper and three slips. Our not-so quicker fielders will stand on the boundary and strategize thereby giving us an unprecedented edge over all teams that have played cricket before us. Sehwag now can charge down to spinners and hit it almost off the bowlers’ hands as he is now that quick!”

With the whole of the nation very excited by this development, Bolt was convinced that India would start favourites in Australia this time. He signed off by saying, “India will run away with the cup in Australia. I think they should. If they did, don’t think there is anyone in Australia quick enough to chase them down. Let’s just hope they don’t assign the task to Laxman or Ashwin yet. They will get chased down for they are not quick enough just yet”

Australia adopt boxing gloves and a new team song as part of rotation policy

Posted: November 26, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Fiction
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1

Goutham Chakravarthi

Cricket Australia’s decision to rotate players to ensure that there is a good pool of players available at any time to mitigate problems arising out of injuries, players falling out on issues of when to sing the team song and when to pop a beer. The new rotation policy looks beyond mere player rotation and looks at rotating most things associated with Australian cricket to give itself a wider pool to choose from.

It is learnt that Micky Arthur, the new Australian coach, wants the team to try a new team song this time. Under the Southern Cross I Stand, the traditional team song has resulted in at least one team member falling out with the current captain. He said, “In order to have better options, I have proposed the latest internet rage pa pa pa paen Kolaveri song to be our new team song. Already, the team is hooked to it and cannot wait to sing it as a team. The strict rule is of course that we can sing as a group only after we win games. With the team desperate to sing it all the time, you can expect them to demolish the Kiwis swiftly in the first Test and sing the song.”

The proverbial fat lady who sings has appealed to Cricket Australia that they cannot sing the song as she has obtained the rights of singing the song for all sports. The news was received with broken hearts in the Australian dressing room. Pat Cummins, the new pace sensation, tweeted “We are absolutely devastated. We so much wanted it to be our team song. Looks like the fat lady has sung! we’ll fight her in court for the rights on this song.”

Australian players to sport boxing gloves to give them the extra punch.

Among other rotations to be part of their plan this Australian summer will be the rotation of batting gloves. As mark of respect to the Boxing day, all Australians will sport boxing gloves while batting. Justin Langer who used to box as part of his preparation has justified the move saying that this will give his batsmen the added punch and a sense of additional security while facing the menacing Indian quicks like Praveen Kumar. Langer also pointed out that the benefits included shooing away of close-in fielders against spinners. He said, “We have been found short playing good spin recently. Now this gives an option for the batsman to skip down and punch the short-leg or silly-point fielders while pretending to play a punchy stroke.”

“Hockey sticks and baseball bats will also be used on freehits in ODIs and T20 games,” said selector Rod Marsh. He reasoned, “It both confuses the opposition and also makes our players more versatile. Should some of them not cut it as successful cricketers, they can fancy becoming hockey drag-flickers and fancy Major League Baseball aspirations. It is a win-win situation through and through.”

Kiwis to perform Haka during the toss to distract the Australians

John Buchanan, the former Australian coach and the current Director of Cricket for New Zealand expressed admiration for such theories. He said, “I’m finally beginning to believe that they have got a hang of what I was trying to achieve in my time with them. Still, they can look to rotate captains or have multiple ones. They do rotate their spinners either by plan or accident. But as part of the Kiwi set-up now, we are well prepared to face any challenges the new Australian management will throw at us. We have tricks of our own too that we look to put to practice.”

When asked for specifics, Buchanan explained, “We want to carry some of our practices from our recently crowned rugby champions. You will see Ross Taylor and boys performing the Haka before the toss for one. Am sure they might throw puches with their boxing gloves and all, but we tackle and scrum better. That way get into them even before the game begins. You will also see the young quickie Trent Boult taking the art of bowling to the next level. You will see him perform a couple of cartwheels in his run-up before he delivers. It gives him the leverage to release the ball at any point in his cartwheel which means his release point ranges from a maximum height of 14 feet to a minimum height of 3 feet. He might have a career in circus once his cricketing days are over. He is that good.”

It is also being speculated that there could be rotation policy for the selectors and spectators too. And also for retirements. Pat Cummins is expected to announce his one-day retirement first before Haddin retires from dancing down the wickets to quicks and Ponting from playing the hook shot. Written press releases are expected on these lines before Thursday from the players to show their commitment to this new initiative.

Calculus, pongal, daddojanam and moru milagai behind Ashwin’s success

Posted: November 26, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Fiction
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4

Goutham Chakravarthi

Barely a fornight has passed since his wedding, R Ashwin, was widely expected to credit his recent success to his newly wed wife. The lanky Chennai offie who ‘edged’ his way to his maiden hundred on Friday credited his mother’s daddojanam (curd rice) for his success. He said, “Mom’s daddojanam is my favourite. Often it lulls me to sleep. I often end up yawning my way to some unexpected success like this afternoon. Credit to Mom.”

Chairman of selectors, K Srikkanth said, “I have known Ashwin for long, from the time he was a kid. Though a staunch Iyer, it is simply marvelous to know that he still manages to do trikala sandhyavandanam amid national duties. And he always has daddojanam with moru milagai (dried chillies) to spice himself up for the battle.”

Daddojanam, mathematics and pongal key to his success. © The Hindu

Srikkanth also pointed out to the fact that Ashwin was an opener in his school days before he became a bowler. Ashwin’s wife, Preethi, said that the credit of Ashwin becoming a bowler should be given to Kabaleeswarar temple in Mylapore. She said, “Like most Indian boys, Ashwin was a batsman. When he took a fancy to me he would follow me to Kabaleeswarar temple every day. There he would sit opposite me in the temple and when hot pongal (rice porridge) was served to the devotees on bare hands, Ashwin would toss it from one hand to the other and roll it into a ball so as to not let the heat burn a hole in his hand, all the while sheepishly looking at me. He would roll pongal from right to left and left to right to left and thereby sowing the seeds for his offie and his carom ball.”

His childhood friend and schoolmate at PSBB (Padma Seshadri Bala Bavan), Senthilnathan, claims credit for his batting prowess. He says, “As a youngster, Ashwin was a poor batsman. He middled every delivery and played very straight and hit the gaps. It was so old fashioned. It was like watching a proper batsman and since we wanted some tail enders in the side, we had to teach him to inside edge a few and swing across the line every-now-and-then. He became a specialist no.11 for us who could nick when he wanted. He could nick it to slips or nick it on to the stumps as he wished. Now he is so good that he can inside edge it past the off-stump, leg-stump, over the middle stump and so on like you saw on Friday. He is the true pupil who has mastered the art. Barry Richards would be proud of his game.”

His father insisted that it was his IIT-JEE tuitions that proved the difference. “He could solve quadratic equations as a 5 year old. He could calculate 18339.678 times the 10th root of 0.43 in less than 4 seconds. His grammar was sound and was poised to pursue education in America or England or both. He was a bright child. But one day, when he was about 12, he was tossing an orange from one hand to the other when I observed the rotations he imparted on the orange were so many it was more impressive than his calculus skills. When I asked him to arrive at the rotations per minute of the spin he imparted, he managed to write a quick C program on the computer to arrive at the figure of 1200 rpm. I asked him to spin the table fan and each of his spins would keep it going for 10 to 15 minutes and in summer, he spun the fans for all in the colony when the power was out. Then I knew that my son would not only be an engineer but a very fine spinner. He’s not let us down.”

Elsewhere, the Tamil film industry is fascinated with Ashwin’s rise to fame. The industry’s most versatile hero Kamal Haasan is all set to make a movie on Ashwin’s life. Rumour is rife that he is preparing himself to portray the roles of a 5 year old Ashwin, 14 year old Ashwin, 17 year old Ashwin and a 24 year old Ashwin. He will also play the characters of his mom, dad, grandfather, his lady love and his best friend. The movie is to be called Aayiram Avathaaram (Thousand Incarnations).

Sachin’s driving superior to Schumacher’s: Harbhajan

Posted: October 27, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Fiction
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3

Goutham Chakravarthi

“Tendulkar waving the chequered flag at the Delhi Grand Prix is anti-national,” said former BCCI secretary J Y Lele at the launch of his book I Was There – Memoirs of a Cricket Administrator. He explained, “It would surmount to him figuratively accepting that he has had a chequered career. In my opinion, and as you would understand from reading my book, he was never wrong, it is just that the elders who adviced him were wrong. Sachin should only wave the national flag and no other flag.”

Is Tendulkar better than Schumacher?

The comment raged a nation-wide debate with Harbhajan stating, “When was the last time you saw Schumacher or a Vettel come to a cricket match and put up a banner for Sachin?”

Harbhajan fuelled fire to the discussion by cleverly comparing Schumacher to Tendulkar. He said, “Sachin’s straight driving is simply the best, better than even Schumacher’s driving down the straight!”

Indian Formula One drivers Karun Chandok and Narain Karthikeyan took offence to Harbhajan’s claims and said “It is time Harbhajan concentrated on cricket alone and not make comments about sportspersons or sports he has no clue about. His position in the Indian team is in jeopardy and it makes sense that he ensures that his mouth and cricket doesn’t spin out of control!”

“Spin out of control? The only time anything has spun out of control is when those two buffoons have been behind wheels in a Forumla One car. They are just rich kids who could afford to buy their way into Formula One. May be their wheelspin is more than the spin I impart on a cricket ball, it doesn’t mean they are right. Sachin’s driving is the best,” retorted the angry Harbhajan.

Meanwhile, joining from his home in Pakistan, the controversial speedster Shoaib Akhtar said, “Sachin is used to waving flags, don’t you worry. It is just that it is a chequered flag this time and it is a little different from the white flag he used to wave at me when I was about to mark my 2 kilometer run-up.”

And when asked who he thought would win the Delhi Grand Prix, he said, “I don’t care who. I bowled quicker than any of those cars can ever go and that’s that!” He strongly disagreed to having any interest in motor racing and said he would instead “spend the money eating chaat” on Sunday evening!

Asked for a reaction on Shoaib’s statement, Chairman of Selectors, Srikkanth said “Who cares as to what the buffoon says! All I am worried about is the usage of DRS in the race. After we categorically said no to any DRS, I am surprised that teams will be using DRS in the race. We are suing the ICC and FIA on this matter!”

When the Chairman of  Selectors was told that DRS expanded to Drag Reduction System in Formula One terminology, he said “They always say something but the intent is something else. The last time DRS ended up being Dravid Removal System, this time it can be Dhoni Removal System. We cannot take a chance. We are against anything DRS.”

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