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Australian Prime Minister Honours Sehwag With The Title Of A Swami

Posted: December 17, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Fiction, Opinion
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Goutham Chakravarthi

Australia honours Sehwag with the title of Swami

“The best way to play bowlers is go after them. Intimidate them, shake them up, beat them up. All with a smile. Tell the bowler that you are after his dog, money, future and see him wilt and cry,” said Sehwag to a secretly arranged gathering by his ardent supporter Ian Chappell outside Manuka Oval in Canberra late on Thursday. Ian’s brother Greg, famously known to have pushed Sehwag into moving to Japan to try his luck in becoming a sumo wrestler, was seen scribbling down furiously on his notepad ahead of the next week’s batting clinic for the Australian Test batsmen.

A host of former Australian players and current Test stars had made themselves available on the occasion to pick on the genial Indian’s brains. Sehwag, known to be honest with his talk, was giving a lecture on batting following his disciple David Warner’s request that he address the rest of the domestic bashers in Australia before the BBL and see if Sehwag could inspire them into becoming Test batsmen.

“Footwork is an Australian obsession. Quick, decisive feet movement are associated with greatness in your country. In my country, we associate quick feet movement with dancers. So is fitness and preparation,” said Sehwag and in an impromptu jig sat in a wheelchair and faced the bowling of the young quickie Josh Hazelwood and hit him out of the ground much to the astonishment of the gathering. Sehwag continued to biff the deliveries bowled from a bowling machine for a good 15 minutes and finished with a square driven six that went out of the practicing facility and into the ground where Indians were playing the warm-up match and hit Ishant Sharma on his boot injuring him and forcing him to limp off the field putting him in doubt for the Boxing Day Test.

Unconvinced by Sehwag’s methods, Greg Chappell immediately challenged Sehwag to face the greats of the past in a wheel chair and produced the latest version of ProBatter – ProBatter 2.0 – that not only simulates the bowling action and deliveries and speeds of modern bowlers, but of all those who have played the game – including the French maid Adèle who is claimed to have first invented bowling in 1149 A.D. “Fat boy, smacking Josh Hazelwood is an easy task as is flogging this machine. See if you can flog Ponsford, Old, Larwood, Barnes among others,” challenged Greg Chappell.

“Are they your nannies? Never heard of them,” said Sehwag even as the history-steeped gathering let out a collective gasp. In true Indian style, Sehwag called up his mom to seek her blessings (karlo duniya muththi mein) and set out on a rampage against the wild bearded 19th century Englishmen first.

Adjusting to the various chuckers of the time, Sehwag tore into them. One of them, a certain Lord H.R.E Muleman had his shin battered and ProBatter 2.0 had to be retired hurt for a while before Clarrie Grimmett and Bill O’Rielly were scared away by Sehwag who smote them from wide off the stumps to way over square-leg and from leg-stump to square over the point boundaries. In three minutes, Sehwag reduced the superstars from early 20th century to bowling negative lines for the first time in their real and virtual lives combined. Soon enough Larwood was sent back to the mines, as were Old and Trueman. Sehwag even had to battle the 19th century English round armers and the 1910s Aussie quickies bowling with the then slightly bigger sized cricket ball. The challenge ended when Lilliee was badly hurt on his follow through as a Sehwag straight drive caught him on his mouth even as Bill Lawry called him “you beauty” from among the cheering audience.

By the time Sehwag was done he had not only battered ProBatter 2.0, he had won over the entire Australian gathering who were reported to have been chanting “maar veeru maar…. aur maar” (hit them Viru, beat them up!) as if in a trance. With tears in his eyes, Richie Benaud said he had seen many batsmen in his lifetime, but never anyone who decoded batting like Sehwag. Deeply moved by the sagacious Sehwag’s knowledge of batting, he said, “His simplicity is astounding as his is knowledge of the game. I always thought the patch on his head was just a bald spot. I have now realized that it was the halo of an all knowing superior being. He is god to me. I have just received confirmation from the prime minister’s office that the Australian government will honour Sehwag with the title of a Swami.”

Among raucous applause Sehwag was honoured with the title of a swami by the Australian prime minister Julia Gillard in Canberra on Friday. The title was unanimously chosen by the ProBatter 2.0 bowlers who suffered his wrath the previous day. The gave him the tile of Engala Vittrungasaami (please leave us alone, swami!).

Nadal turns to Andhra meals and Tollywood to get back to the top

Posted: December 8, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Fiction, Tennis
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Goutham Chakravarthi

“Djokovic’s gluten free diet may have revolutionized tennis this year, but, I believe my journey to the top has already begun with my new found diet – full Andhra meals!” announced Nadal in his tennis school in Anantapur, India on Tuesday. Just days after leading Spain to another Davis Cup title to finish a largely disappointing year on a high, Rafael Nadal, is in his tennis school in India to plan and prepare for 2012.

Nadal is in Indiaiin search of the perfect diet for 2012

“2011 has been disappointing for me. Perhaps releasing my autobiography, Rafa: My story, was the biggest mistake,” confessed a visibly upset Nadal. “I confessed to my fear of the dark and also that my uncle Toni had super powers. Opponents would switch off the light in the locker room and tell me that not even my uncle could save me. I would scream and yell in fear, but no help would come through. It led to a strained relationship with my uncle.”

“Eventually, I lost it all by the time Federer and Tsonga toyed with me in the ATP World Tour Finals in London. My game had become weak and lacked spice. I was beaten to pulp and I wanted vengeance. I saw Gladiator twice that night to psyche myself up. Once is usually enough. This time, no use! That’s when I ran into Mahesh Bhupathi, a Telugite, and a connoisseur of Andhra food. He jokingly suggested that I try the Hyderabadi Biriyani that he was eating to try and bring back some spice into my game. His actor-wife, Lara Dutta, urged me to watch Tollywood movies to learn vengeance!”

“Those of you who have read my autobiography will know that my Mom has taught me not to be rude to people even if they were rude to me like Lara Dutta was. I smiled and helped myself to a serving of the biriyani and headed out for a hit. And hit them I did like laser beams! All of a sudden, I could sprint like Usain Bolt, paint the lines like Picaso, and even slice a ball into two! I knew I had stumbled on to something!”

When asked on his plan for his duration of his stay in Anatapur, Nadal said, “I am here to prepare myself for the diet. I have just taken to Hyderabadi biriyani and now I have pasta and pizza with gongura pachadi. I also love aavakai pachadi and hope to graduate to having full Andhra meals by the end of November. ”

“Samarasimha Reddy is my favourite vengeance movie these days. I’m also eagerly awaiting the release of Panjaa to psyche myself up for the new year. I also am learning to pacify all the anger with calm and touch. I am travelling to Chennai every second day to practice with the touch artist Ramesh Krishnan. If ever anyone clocked the speed of groundstrokes, Ramesh Krishnan would be 50% slower than the slowest one you could find. He is tutoring me his slice. I’m still getting to be slow, but Ramesh’s slices reach me only the next day. It is a strategy I will use to irritate Djokovic and others in 2012.”

Warne Appointed As Rajasthan Royals’ Bus Driver

Posted: December 5, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Cricket, Fiction
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Goutham Chakravarthi

Just two days after Rajasthan Royals appointed Rahul Dravid as the captain for the fifth season of the IPL, Shilpa Shetty roped in Warne for a whopping $250,000 as the Royals’ bus driver.

In a press conference, Ms. Shetty said, “Warne, who has been integral to our successes over the first four seasons of the IPL was keen to be associated with the Royals for season 5, but not as a player. Of course he has famously quoted that cricket coaches are only bus drivers, but, let me make it clear that he will be just a bus driver and not a coach. That said, he is given full authority to do so as he likes whence the players are in the bus though.”

Shilpa Shetty announced Warne’s appointment as Royals’ official bus driver

When contacted, Warne said, “The role of a bus driver is highly underrated, especially in India. If anything they are crucial to any team’s mental state before a game. With me having driven the team bus during my playing days (in a race with Buchanan in New Zealand), I bring in a lot of experience. I can cut through signals and drive on the wrong side of the road which is key for success on the road and on the cricket ground.”

Asked how his bus driving was going to be different from the rest and why one should pay him a quarter million dollars when there could be more skillful drivers around and available at a fraction of the price he is contracted for, Warne said, “Sports psychologists insist that players should visualize success and practice it as part of their training program for them to be ready to be able to do so when they are really out in the middle. It becomes my responsibility to prepare them mentally and get them to that mental state before they get on to the ground. That’ll be high on my agenda when I’m driving them from the hotel to the ground.”

Warne gave insights into his methods further by comparing bus driving to sports psychologists and how this methods were better. He explained, “Visualization is not for all. It takes imagination and not all are blessed with it. Visualizing strategy and success are key for player preparation and on field performance. Quick bowlers need to stick to length and line or throw in those changers. I will get the bowlers to sit on the front row of the bus and give them a demonstration of driving the bus at 60kmph but then screech to a halt all of a sudden. Some will fall, others will be startled. But, it demonstrates how batsmen will be unprepared for such events and how change of pace can do the trick! Similarly for spinners, I might spin the bus at right angles to show how it is done or drive the bus through a very narrow lane at an angle to demonstrate how to sneak one through bat and pad!”

Warne also demonstrated how he intends to help the batsmen. He said, “Batting in T20 cricket is all about adventure and risk taking. It’s overs versus a certain number of runs. I intend to demonstrate how you drive 20 kms in peak Mumbai traffic in 10 minutes. You have to take that calculated risk. You jump a signal here or charge on the wrong side of the road when there is a traffic pile up. You take risks, but you know where you can jump signals and where you drive on the wrong side of the road. Sometimes you can honk your way out of trouble on Indian roads. You drive fast and keep honking, and because of the size of your vehicle the others make way out of sheer fear. It translates to intimidation on the cricket pitch.”

Warne insisted that his position had great accountability. He said, “I take accountability for my actions. Next time a commentator says one of our batsmen is shifting through the gears swiftly you know who was responsible for it. Similarly, when they say a batsman cannot find that extra gear, you can rest assured that the batsman concerned will spend enough time with me on the bus learning to go through the gears well.”

Warne signed off by saying, “I have already helped Rahul Dravid find the fifth gear. He might slip into that mode on the Boxing Day at the MCG and smash a triple hundred on the morning session alone. And then you’ll know what I’m talking about!”

BCCI Appoints Usain Bolt As India’s Running Coach

Posted: December 3, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Cricket, Fiction
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Goutham Chakravarthi

In an attempt to make India a fitter unit, BCCI has roped in the services of Usain Bolt as India’s running coach with immediate effect. Indians are expected to train with the world 100 meter record holder for a week in their quest to give them an added edge before they head to Australia for a 4-Test series. Talking of the appointment, K Srikkanth said, “Taking a leaf from Gavaskar’s famous commentary usage of converting ones into twos and twos to threes, Bolt will help team India convert each single into a three at least – and in some cases to a five or even a seven – and thereby helping our batsmen increase their scores three-fold!.”

Talking of his appointment, Bolt, who joined the team at Vishakapatnam, said, “The last day of the third Test at Wankhede had the whole island interested and I had a couple of friends wake me up at the dead of the night to catch the game when my phone rang. N Srinivasan was on the line and I told him the super slow motion pictures were outstanding and I congratulated the BCCI on the quality of their TV production when Srinivasan told me that it wasn’t super slow motion pictures I was seeing, but Ashwin running in full throttle!”

India train to sprint their way to success in Australia under the supervision of Usain Bolt

He added, “I couldn’t believe someone could actually sprint so slowly. When asked if I would help them fix the problem, I was skeptical. But when they dangled a 2 million dollar contract for a week’s training, I couldn’t resist. I asked Fletcher to send me tapes of their running training, and now I am here in India for a week to help them train.”

Of all Indians, Laxman and Ashwin seemed the most excited after their first training stint with Bolt this morning. Laxman said “I sprint the 100m in just a little under 44 seconds just behind Ashwin who does it in 41.43 seconds. Bolt has given us specific training routine that should ensure both Ashwin and I break the 40 second barrier by the end of the week. Finally, there is hope for us to look for the quick second run.”

Ashwin added, “He seemed to be able to point to the mistakes in my technique straight away. He could pin point to my technique that I seem to have followed from my childhood subconsciously – that of Rajnikanth running in slow motion in his high adrenaline fighting sequences. I am unlearning the technique and move towards the modern running method of complicated leg strengthening exercises that will give us enough power to our legs. Also the key is to ensure that the feet not being in contact with the ground for more than 0.2 seconds while in full sprint. Laxman and I, the smarties that we are, have already come-up with a formula that’ll help us get there. Expect us to run like the wind in Australia.”

Bolt is also introducing the sprint runners’ set block positioning for the non-striker while backing up. You will see the likes of Suresh Raina now crouched on one knee without the bat and both hands just behind the popping crease with his upper body in a 45 degree angle that the sprinters use to generate pace off the starting block. Bolt claims that Raina this way is able to run his twos in one-sixth of time he would take otherwise – in the traditional method. Bolt claims that this technique will ensure that there will not be many dot balls as it ensures players are quick enough to run a single even when the batsman lets go of a delivery to the keeper. He insisted that in places like Perth where the keeper tends to stand far back, Raina, Kohli and Dhoni would be able to run twos to the keeper and promised that we will see byes contributing more to team scores going forward. If the wicket-keeper is slightly slack, batsman might run a bye to him even off spinners!

Duncan Fletcher, the Indian coach said “Bolt’s insight into running and the transformation that is possible with his inputs is quite amazing. Even I have been able to move from one side of the ground to the other in less than 20 minutes now. Munaf Patel, Aashish Nehra now run quicker than they bowl. That was the easy part. We are now trying to translate this to field positions as well. The increased agility of the fielders will ensure that each fielder can now control two positions. Jadeja will now man both point and covers and Kohli mid-off and extra-cover, where as, Raina will cover the whole of the on-side and Dhoni alone now will cover for the keeper and three slips. Our not-so quicker fielders will stand on the boundary and strategize thereby giving us an unprecedented edge over all teams that have played cricket before us. Sehwag now can charge down to spinners and hit it almost off the bowlers’ hands as he is now that quick!”

With the whole of the nation very excited by this development, Bolt was convinced that India would start favourites in Australia this time. He signed off by saying, “India will run away with the cup in Australia. I think they should. If they did, don’t think there is anyone in Australia quick enough to chase them down. Let’s just hope they don’t assign the task to Laxman or Ashwin yet. They will get chased down for they are not quick enough just yet”

Australia adopt boxing gloves and a new team song as part of rotation policy

Posted: November 26, 2011 by The CouchExpert in Fiction
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Goutham Chakravarthi

Cricket Australia’s decision to rotate players to ensure that there is a good pool of players available at any time to mitigate problems arising out of injuries, players falling out on issues of when to sing the team song and when to pop a beer. The new rotation policy looks beyond mere player rotation and looks at rotating most things associated with Australian cricket to give itself a wider pool to choose from.

It is learnt that Micky Arthur, the new Australian coach, wants the team to try a new team song this time. Under the Southern Cross I Stand, the traditional team song has resulted in at least one team member falling out with the current captain. He said, “In order to have better options, I have proposed the latest internet rage pa pa pa paen Kolaveri song to be our new team song. Already, the team is hooked to it and cannot wait to sing it as a team. The strict rule is of course that we can sing as a group only after we win games. With the team desperate to sing it all the time, you can expect them to demolish the Kiwis swiftly in the first Test and sing the song.”

The proverbial fat lady who sings has appealed to Cricket Australia that they cannot sing the song as she has obtained the rights of singing the song for all sports. The news was received with broken hearts in the Australian dressing room. Pat Cummins, the new pace sensation, tweeted “We are absolutely devastated. We so much wanted it to be our team song. Looks like the fat lady has sung! we’ll fight her in court for the rights on this song.”

Australian players to sport boxing gloves to give them the extra punch.

Among other rotations to be part of their plan this Australian summer will be the rotation of batting gloves. As mark of respect to the Boxing day, all Australians will sport boxing gloves while batting. Justin Langer who used to box as part of his preparation has justified the move saying that this will give his batsmen the added punch and a sense of additional security while facing the menacing Indian quicks like Praveen Kumar. Langer also pointed out that the benefits included shooing away of close-in fielders against spinners. He said, “We have been found short playing good spin recently. Now this gives an option for the batsman to skip down and punch the short-leg or silly-point fielders while pretending to play a punchy stroke.”

“Hockey sticks and baseball bats will also be used on freehits in ODIs and T20 games,” said selector Rod Marsh. He reasoned, “It both confuses the opposition and also makes our players more versatile. Should some of them not cut it as successful cricketers, they can fancy becoming hockey drag-flickers and fancy Major League Baseball aspirations. It is a win-win situation through and through.”

Kiwis to perform Haka during the toss to distract the Australians

John Buchanan, the former Australian coach and the current Director of Cricket for New Zealand expressed admiration for such theories. He said, “I’m finally beginning to believe that they have got a hang of what I was trying to achieve in my time with them. Still, they can look to rotate captains or have multiple ones. They do rotate their spinners either by plan or accident. But as part of the Kiwi set-up now, we are well prepared to face any challenges the new Australian management will throw at us. We have tricks of our own too that we look to put to practice.”

When asked for specifics, Buchanan explained, “We want to carry some of our practices from our recently crowned rugby champions. You will see Ross Taylor and boys performing the Haka before the toss for one. Am sure they might throw puches with their boxing gloves and all, but we tackle and scrum better. That way get into them even before the game begins. You will also see the young quickie Trent Boult taking the art of bowling to the next level. You will see him perform a couple of cartwheels in his run-up before he delivers. It gives him the leverage to release the ball at any point in his cartwheel which means his release point ranges from a maximum height of 14 feet to a minimum height of 3 feet. He might have a career in circus once his cricketing days are over. He is that good.”

It is also being speculated that there could be rotation policy for the selectors and spectators too. And also for retirements. Pat Cummins is expected to announce his one-day retirement first before Haddin retires from dancing down the wickets to quicks and Ponting from playing the hook shot. Written press releases are expected on these lines before Thursday from the players to show their commitment to this new initiative.

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