The CouchExpert

 Goutham Chakravarthi

 16 September 2011

It is the last day of a miserable tour for India. Yet, all eyes will be on the Indian captain when India hit the field. He is known to send off greats in his signature inimitable style. He carried Kumble on his shoulders (Ravi Shastri bets he heard Hussain utter “donkey” under his breath) after his last Test and let Sourav Ganguly lead the team the last few minutes of the next Test which would be Ganguly’s last. He has set his bar high. What will he do for Dravid’s last?

Dravid thanked his England teammates before announcing retirement from England captaincy.

“Perhaps, I’ll let him keep wickets,” said the captain. Pried further, he said “Dravid is the ultimate team man. Since this will be the last ODI before the new one-day rules kick in, we have unanimously decided that every batsman will use Dravid as a runner. He will run for both the striker as well as the non-striker. He will even be his own runner. We want the world to celebrate the ultimate team man.”

Alastair Cook, not to be left behind, chipped in “Rahul has been a massive hit in our dressing room this summer. We have not been able to get him out and he has walked off when he was not out and has been given out when he was not out and he has still walked off. No complains at all. Such a gem! We have decided to honour him by declaring him as the captian of the England ODI side for the last ODI.”

The new England T20 skipper, Graeme Swann, having become the first international captain to release official press statements on twitter, tweeted “Dravid’s defence is impenetrable. I urge that he be made our Defence Minister #queenareyoulistening”

Dhoni, seemingly feeling that he is losing his Midas touch on retirement policies as well, made a quick attempt to pull things back. He said, “Rahul Dravid will also be the umpire and will umpire from both the ends and will also be the TV umpire and the fourth umpire. Umpires need to know when the batsman has nicked it and when he hasn’t. Rahul will demonstrate how to use the technology the right way. He will even open the bowling for us. You will see Rahul bowling and umpiring to his own deliveries and keeping to his own bowling. Yes, he will also be fielding in the slips.”

ESPNStar and Sky also announced that Dravid will be miked up, separately, and will speak to both the channels, simultaneously, on two different mikes on two separate topics. In a joint statement, the channels said, “Though it is one man answering the questions, it is two separate channels, moguls both, with its own esteemed commentators commentating on the game, and, therefore, will need its experts the privilege to pick on Dravid’s brains. Should a situation occur that both channels be reaching out to Dravid at the same time, we will leave it to Ravi Shastri from the ESPNStar box and Nasser Hussain from the Sky box to thrash it out and decide who should get the first go.”

The Indian government on the other hand dedicated the hike in petrol prices from midnigh tlast night to Rahul Dravid. A press release said “Rahul’s been the most invaluable player for this team for many a year. Like the dwindling fuel reserves everywhere, Rahul is a rare fossil that is extinguishing by the day. To mark respect for such invaluable fossil, to show its value in increased light, we have decided to hike the price of petrol. Petrol is invaluable and Dravid is its personification.”

When Dravid finally addressed the press conference, speculation was rife amid the British scribes if Dravid would want continue after retiring from the Indian team as the captain of the England cricket team and were contemplating what his first policy would be as the Defence Minister if he would be sworn in as one by the queen.

Dravid straight batted all questions with this statement: “I’m deeply moved by the gesture of my teammates, opponents and my government and Britain’s. However, I must say that I will be retiring from my captaincy position of England with immediate effect and would like to thank my-would-have-been-teammates-but-never-will-be-teammates in the England dressing room. I’m sure it would have been an honour playing with you boys. I also withdraw from opting to umpire and keep wickets and bat at both ends while running for all people. I will however substitute for anyone in the crowd who needs a break and watch the game from the stands.”

Chants of “Rahul Dravid for Prime Minister,” were heard in the media boxes as Rahul Dravid quietly walked off after he had made his press statement. It brought about a fight between the Indian and the British media contingent as both had uttered the chants at the same time. Television channels across both nations are running debates if Rahul Dravid would make a better Prime Minister of India or of Britain.

Rahul Dravid is expected to make a press statement on this matter after the practice session today.